I want to see Jesus

"Sir, we would like to see Jesus" (John 12:21)

My heart is drawn to these words of a group of Greeks who traveled to meet Jesus. Jesus - the one they had heard stories of; of His healing, speaking, forgiving, accepting, loving, and grace. "Sir, we would like to see Jesus." Such a simple and polite sentence. Yet, I am left wondering about the passion behind the words, the desire, the need; if there was a tone of pleading in them. "SIR, we would like to see Jesus!"

Those of you reading these words of mine right now may not know that I recently was thrown into a heart-crushing life trial. Much of what I thought to be secure and true has crumbled before my very eyes. Just 20 days ago my life's course changed forever. I am left feeling hollow and yet consumed with feelings of sorrow.  I am questioning myself, my life, and many who surround me. The future is scary and uncertain. 

My faith in the Lord has not faltered but my faith in myself has. I hold fast to the Truth that God can and will make all things beautiful; sprouting new life out of the ash I am sitting in. It is the journey to that redemption - the tears, anguish, life-changes, anger, new perspectives, and hard work - that seems overwhelming. 

So instead of looking to all of that, right now and right here, I simply and yet with an urgent plea say "Sir, I want to see Jesus!" I want to see Him today, Holy Spirit. I have allowed grief and fear and the enemy to swallow me. I know a wide array of feelings will flow in and out of my soul like tidal waves in these days and weeks and months to come. 

But I also know that I need to get a grip - get my eyes and heart set on Jesus. I simply cannot continue paralyzed in this pain - I have a life God is calling me to participate in. 

So today and each day ahead, I pray, "Holy Spirit, I want to see Jesus." 

I want to see Him holding my fears and anxieties for me so that I can focus on the good and true areas of my life. So I can think, and write, and speak, and live today. 

I want to see Jesus' hands full of the pieces of my shattered heart. Trusting, that while He is holding them, His warmth will soften them and that His hands will begin the work of molding them back into the shape of beautiful, living heart again, that beats full of Holy Spirit life again. 

While He is a work on those broken, jagged pieces, I want to see Jesus still living through me. Through my words, my decisions, my love, my forgiveness, my work. A heartbroken Tress in her weakness cannot do those daily tasks in a manner that brings Glory to God. Where I am weak, I want to see Jesus be strong!  Through Jesus, I move, and breath, and have life and I need His strength to enable that. 

Sir, I want to see Jesus through my words. Sanctify, cleanse, and purify them. Allow me to lament and yet inspire me to praise! 

I want to see Jesus through His love. Love carries people through the hard times, It enables us to rejoice, bear, believe, hope, and endure. I have indeed seen Jesus' love these past 20 days; through family and friends, through prayer warriors and the Body of Christ. Help me, Spirit, to see His love for me, in me, and flowing out of me.

I plead, LET ME SEE JESUS defeat the enemy of my soul, blocking the flaming arrows being shot at me. Let me see Jesus' victory over death. I want to see Jesus, the Defender and Shield of my faith.

I have seen Jesus. And, Sir, I want to continue seeing Him everyday. In these ways I have put to words in my prayers… and in so many more ways. Open my eyes, clear the scales, and center my heart on You. That I may join the biblical saints before me such as Paul and Mary; along with the believers throughout the ages; who in their own sorrow, their own sin, their own life-alteirng moments could shout out with joy "I HAVE SEEN JESUS!"