It has been several months since I posted to the blog. Not because I have not been writing. Honestly, I have written more than ever over these many, many weeks. I would say that my relationship with the Lord is deeper than it has ever been as He has revealed more facets of His character and unveiled the scriptures to me in unbelievable new ways. Yet, I have not shared the writings. They have been too personal. Too raw. Too much…
If you do not know, a little over four months ago, a crisis hit my life out of nowhere and the journey I was once on has taken on a whole new direction. I spent weeks swallowed in grief from the loss of so much that I held dear to my soul. Eighteen weeks later, grief is a journey I am still on. Yet, peace, contentment, joy, and hope have firmly planted roots in my daily life once again.
“Crisis is an opportunity for God to pivot us to a new destiny road…crisis is critical to our destiny path.” Beth Moore, Esther Bible Study
I have been experiencing the violent emotions accompanied by a crisis WHILE having hope in God’s destiny for me on the other side.
I have begged for relief from the pain WHILE believing that God is present in the darkness.
Several weeks ago, I served at a ministry seminar that I participate in twice a year. People come from around the world to this seminar and trained caregivers serve under the leading teacher of the seminar. As a caregiver, I have had the opportunity to make friends with other caregivers, of whom I only see at these twice-a-year gatherings. We come from a variety of backgrounds, denominations, wounds, and celebrations.
As I headed off this time, I was wondering if I should be serving as any type of a caregiver considering I felt like I was barely caring for myself at the time. Yet, a series of promptings of the Spirit led me there for some needed retreat time before the seminar began. As to be expected, the Spirit was spot-on and my heart’s healing went into overdrive almost immediately. There were many astonishing moments.
This broken vessel that seemed to leak out tears 24/7 was permitted to be poured out to my friends and to those in the group I was called to care for. Poured out in service and adoration of Jesus.
One of the sweetest parts of the week was the fellowship experienced with some caregiver friends whom I’ll call K,L,V, and S. We traveled in from Canada, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. During this week, these four Sisters – these four fellow Beggars and Believers – brought an audible voice and a touchable hug – direct from God to me.
Beggars and Believers. The five of us all living grief, broken dreams, questioning, and struggles while living our every day lives.
Begging for some understanding, some relief, some healing. Believing that God would deliver. Begging that it would be now. Believing that His timing is perfect.
Beggar and Believer. Yep, that’s me.
I have begged for relief from this grief. I have begged for understanding of why this happened. I have begged for those that I love to be healed of their devastation from this crisis. I have begged for this to not be my life.
I have believed when He said to me “I will never forsake you or abandon you. I will fight for you”. I have believed that God allowed this crisis to filter through His fingers because He had a destiny plan in place before He said to me “I allowed this to happen for your own protection”. I have believed God’s promise that “1000 generations I will bless of those who believe in me”. I have believed that He knows the plans He has for me, "to prosper and not be destroyed."
A Beggar. A Believer.
I have laid in puddles of tears for hours on end, begging like a homeless waif in a third world country for some scrap of food to nourish my wasting-away soul. I have been the soul-sick woman reaching out through the people surrounding me, yet oh so alone, reaching out blindly to touch some part of Jesus that would perhaps bring healing.
“Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” (Matthew 15:22)
Believing Jesus is who He says is and can do what He says He can do. Begging for the mercy and grace He promises to deliver.
Hmmmm… wait… am I Believing THEN Begging?
So maybe I am a Believer first. And a Beggar second?
Because I believe, I beg.
Because I believe Jesus is the Son of God. Because of that belief I can come with full confidence to the foot of His cross and beg for all that my heart cries out for. I beg because I believe He will meet all those heart’s cries.
Jesus, Son of David, I believe who you say you are. "If you are willing, you can make me clean, healed, whole again." (Mark 1:40). And because You are who You are, in Your perfect compassion, you say “I am willing… be healed”.
My begging does not discount my believing. My faith in who You are is what will bring about the destiny You have in place that will grow out of this crisis.
“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go forth in peace, healed.” Mark 5:34
These are the words you speak to those of us who believe. To those of us begging for healing, wholeness, purpose. The begging that springs forth from our belief is all part of the process.
“Great warriors focus on the process, not the end result. They know that life in the spirit is all about taking the next step, however small it may seem at the time. God does not stipulate what size the step is going to be, He just encourages us to keep walking toward Him." Graham Cooke
I believe I will keep walking towards Him and I believe I will keep begging. The story’s end result is already recorded… the war is won and I have a seat reserved at the banquet table. I do believe and yet, I know I still need the Spirit’s help with my disbelief! (Mark 9:24)
For now, this Believer and Beggar will keep living in the Spirit of the One who is, who was, and who is yet to come! This Believer and Beggar will continue to enjoy the fellowship of fellow Believers and Beggars, like my caregiver friends who fleshed out Jesus to this weary, yet hopeful, soul.
Any other fellow Believers and Beggars out there? Join the journey of taking the next step with me!